I've been so back, and forth on this blog the past week, and a half. I've wanted to just write down every single memory that I have of my daddy, your papa, from when I was a girl so I can introduce you to him thru writing as you grow up. I've wanted to write down how I'm feeling thru this process, because the whole point of this blog, is what's happening with my pregnancy, but how on earth can I justify how i've been feeling as being pregnancy related when every ounce of me is mourning daddy? Every day gets a little bit better, but every day is hard to get thru. I feel so completely lost, and shattered, and cheated. Why did this happen when he was so young? Why did this happen so close to bringing you into the world? Why won't he get to meet you, and to walk me down the aisle at your father's, and my wedding? I'll never understand Why, but I can't change it. All I can do is try to be strong for you. That's all people keep saying, is "be strong for that baby." I'm doing my best my son, but mama is very very broken right now. Physically, mentally, and most of all, emotionally. Moving from side to side in bed is difficult, walking up the stairs is difficult, our house being dirty, but not being able to be around cleaning chemicals is driving me insane. Sitting at the table eating pizza, and starting to cry, but not being able to pin point what exactly I'm crying at makes me feel like I'm a crazy person. I'm trying to be strong, I thought I'd be stronger, but right now, I'm a mess. I've considered not even finishing this blog because bringing myself to sit down, and think about what to say, and transfer those thoughts to my finger-tips as I type is an impossible task with out tears coming to my eyes. I'm so sick of crying. But I'd be even worse off if I didn't try to remember as much as I can, and preserve those memories for you. Your papa was an amazing man! He was a great father, and was so excited to be a "papa". To be taken just weeks before your due date isn't fair. I want you to know him though, and I want to focus on the good, so I'm going to do this for you my son. Instead of writing down every single memory, I'm going to write down some of the ones that stand out as far as how he was as a father. I'm sure that thru raising you, more memories will re-surface thru the years, and I so hope that you inherit some of the Smith traits, and I'm able to see daddy thru you. I love you so much son. I've never been more excited for something in my life, and now the feelings of wanting you, are also combined with the feelings of NEEDING you. I know the joy of having you here on earth with us is going to be the best thing to ever happen to your father, and I. I know that I'm going to be hurting over losing your papa for a very long time, but having you will help that so much. Part of daddy will live thru you, and I promise to honor him, and you for as long as I live.
Roy Daley Smith Jr, Your Papa
Brother to 3 Sisters, Father to 3 Daughters
Grandfather to a baby BOY- Finally!
Daddy always said he was happy with 3 daughters, and fine with out a son, but I truly believe they kept having kids to try to get a boy. The thought of having 4 girls was probably a bit over whelming though so he, and Mama called it quits after 3. Now any parent is, of course, going to love their child no matter what sex they are. Your father, and I would have been thrilled either way, but you being a boy was just perfect! We always said we wanted a boy first, but at the end of the day, you just want your baby to be healthy. The very first thought that I had after my own excitement at you being a boy, was how happy my daddy was going to be. He was finally going to have another boy on his side! I sent your papa and nana an email with the announcement picture attached to it, and was on the phone with them when they opened it. That same joy that daddy had when I announced our pregnancy to them was back. Papa was a very soft-spoken man of few words. He didn't really express excitement too often so when he did, it was something you remembered. Though he never got to meet you, I can't even describe to you how happy I am that he got to know about you, and can say with absolute certainty that he was so excited about you, and loved you so much even while you were in my tummy.
When your Aunts, and I were little girls we had a great relationship with our daddy. He was very strict, but very loving. He wasn't playful in the sense where he would chase us up, and down the stairs, but you can be certain that if you were snuggling on daddy's lap, all of your "lil piggies", toes, were going to be pulled/popped. We'd squeal, and laugh, and tell him to stop, but he'd pop every single toe. It was kind of like the tickling sort of play. You can't help, but laugh, but it's uncomfortable. And every night after dinner, we'd all take turns snuggling with daddy in his rocking chair, even though we knew our piggies were going to get pulled.
I remember being very young when daddy first let me "drive" the car while sitting on his lap. He operated the pedals, but I got to steer the van up the street, and sometimes even around the corner. After the very first time, I was hooked. I would rush downstairs the second I woke up so that when daddy came down for work, I could ask him if I could drive. He didn't let me every day, but at least once a week, I felt like a "big girl" driving the mini van. I'll never forget the first time he let me operate the pedals. It must've only taken 5 seconds before I was almost flying over the neighbors flower bed. Daddy slammed on the brakes, squishing my little feet in the process, but stopped the van before we ran over the curb. I immediately started crying. Partially because my feet hurt, but mainly because I was scared daddy was going to be mad. When daddy was mad, he was MAD, and it was a scary thing. Much to my surprise, he didn't even raise his voice. He put the car in park, and turned me around to hug me, and tell me it was ok/ make sure I was alright. Naturally, I didn't get to operate the pedals again until I was 14 years old, but this memory will stick with me forever. When I was sure he was going to be furious, he was concerned, and compassionate instead.
All of my sisters, and I played soccer growing up. Your Papa was all of our coaches at one point. Man, he was a tough coach. His strictness was even more intense on the field, and being the coach's daughter meant we got the brute of it. I remember being SO FRUSTRATED after practices where I felt like he just yelled at me the whole time. But come game-time, he was still coach, and I did what I needed to do on the field. After every game, whether we won or lost, I got my daddy back on the car ride home. Gone was the strict coach, and instead I had my daddy telling me he was proud of me, and that I played well, even if I didn't. He was supportive, and wanted the best for us in everything that we did. I advanced to a select level team at a very young age, and I believe a lot of this was because of daddy pushing me so much. While I didn't stick with it once I got to highschool, I quit for Volleyball, I enjoyed many years of competitive ball, and am grateful to have had my daddy as my coach for so many of those years as well.
The Winnie The Pooh stuffed animal that was as big as I was- I went thru a phase in my life where I loved winnie the pooh. There was a stuffed animal at the disney store, that was as big as I was. It was also somewhere around $80. Spending that much $ on a stuffed animal is just ridiculous! But I wanted it so bad! I believe my allowance at that time was either $5 or $10 per week. While I usually ran straight to the icecream truck every night with my allowance, daddy talked to me about saving my allowance for this stuffed animal. He talked to me about how it was a very large purchase, especially for someone my age, but if it's what I really wanted, I needed to save my money for it. If you're old enough to have an allowance by the time we talk about this story, you probably understand how hard it is to save your $ as a child. Even saving for a week is difficult, but to save for 8-12 weeks was HUGE! I did it though. I was a week or two away from having my money for the Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal, and it was the weekend before my birthday. I had asked for polly pockets, or a hop skotch set, or something else small for my birthday so was very unsuspecting when daddy sent me out to the car before leaving for a soccer game to grab a water bottle, or whatever it was that he needed. Much to my surprise, Winnie the Pooh was buckled into my seat. Words can not describe how excited I was. Even typing this out has got me smiling at the memory. I wrapped Pooh into a huge hug, and ran inside. I just couldn't believe it! Daddy had a huge smile on his face, and told me how proud he was of me for saving my money, and that now I should hold onto those savings, and continue to add to it every week now that I've gotten into the habit. He taught me a huge life-lesson, and gave me the best surprise ever. That's how daddy was though. Practical, but loving/giving.
There's so much more that I could write, but I'm smiling now. This is where I sign off, and where i'm going to try to stay the rest of the day. Smiling at Daddy's memory, and smiling at how soon you'll be here. Come when you're ready sweet baby. We're all so ready for you!!!
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